tribal tribune | The Met Gala: less than a pitiful attempt

Although the Vogue Met Gala has been an annual tradition since 1948, there has yet to be one that hasn’t elicited many complaints from middle-class American society. I’m one of those complainers and I’m about to wreak havoc on everyone who’s ever breathed on this red carpet.

First, there are a few specific celebrities I want to mention. The first is Jared Leto. This man drinks a cool glass of bone marrow when he wakes up in the morning. This man uses the blood of his enemies as an instant self-tanner. This man wears his hair with an authentic torture device from the French Revolution. I’m terrified of him but at the same time, if I ever see him walking down the street, there’s no way I’m not going after those suspicious pearly whites. It all started in 2016. He showed up in probably the most normal outfit he’s ever worn. Of course, for him, normality means dressing like an early 1900s British heir who was about to go out and buy expensive teas, even though he knew deep down he was just going to smoke them. on his way home. 4/10.

In 2017, he waltzed down the red carpet sporting a deadly poison blue suit and the remains of what was left of Rapunzel’s tower after he burned it down. 6/10.

In 2018, with the theme “Heavenly Bodies” (my personal favorite theme), Leto wore a magnificent nightgown, stained a beautiful red color of Courtney Cox’s blood, whose head he displayed mounted on his shoulder. -1000/10.

Finally, at our last Met Gala, he showed up wearing the skeleton of an ancient, extinct megalodon shark, giving off the vibe of an overly detailed Victorian fork. And when we thought it was over, he came back. Standing next to himself. Leto and his clone he produced in his basement with his bare hands both wore a costume that looked somewhere between a Christmas tree that would be in the background of a conjuring movie and a demented cherry pie that would haunt me in my dreams. I don’t know what was going on there and I don’t want to know. -1000000/10. Let’s move on.

Next, I want to talk about someone I have good things to say about. Since Blake Lively has been to literally 10 Met Galas, I’m just going to talk about her favorite looks in my opinion. In 2011, she wore this gorgeous beige-colored goddess number with these pretty little silver flowers. Simple but classy and I will never get over it. 10/10.

In 2016, Lively wore what a cherry blossom would look like in an extremely overpriced dress and I love her with all my soul. If the underwear moment was a highlighter, Dior would go bankrupt in five minutes. If someone wore this dress to their wedding, they could easily throw the bridesmaid off the top of the building, as the flowers at the bottom of the dress do the job with no childbirth required. Beautiful and practical. 11/10.

At this year’s Met Gala, Blake Lively attended with husband Deadpool, who sadly decided to leave the costume at home and undergo corrective facial surgery. Blake’s dress looked like a stained glass window handcrafted by the gods. However, she had a little moment of sleeping beauty because obviously five minutes before she left she decided she wanted blue instead of pink and called her stylist to stuff the blue into nothingness and wraps a pink ribbon around her. And I ate this. 100/10. I had to save her best look for last, which is of course her 2018. In the best possible way, this look is what I imagine the carpet goddess would look like if it was a real thing. 1000/10.

Then I’m going to focus on some things that apply specifically to this year’s Met Gala. The first is Kim Kardashian’s controversial dress. The internet seems torn between the two arguments that “it’s disrespectful to the dead” and “it’s just a dress”. Honestly, I’m pretty torn between these arguments myself, but I personally think it’s a bit weird to wear a dead woman’s dress, and it was a bit weird to watch her struggle to fit in. without altering or damaging it. Although it was literally just a dress, I think Kim could have easily had a perfectly fitting replica made and no one could have told the difference. Moreover, her sex wouldn’t have trailed on the back of the dress. I also want to talk about guest influencers at the Met. I have nothing against Addison Rae or anyone like that personally, but seeing them treated like real celebrities who worked for what they got makes me want to pull my hair out and bleach it and then drink leftover bleach, then toss the container at the TV. Honey, I have nothing against you, but stop blocking Kate Moss’s light and go home. I also NEED to talk about how middle aged straight men need to seriously step up their outfit game because watching Bradley Cooper walk in clueless with his sad little men’s suit made me feel so sorry for him, even though I know full well that he doesn’t care. Even still, it’s very rare for someone like him to have a one-of-a-kind outfit, which is why he’s so praised for doing the bare minimum. I get that Jacob Elordi is hot but showing up in a costume with what looks like tape over clumps of sparkly hair extensions from Claire is no favors.

Also, why does it seem like no one ever gets the themed memo? On the one hand I get it because you want to wear what you want to wear and a lot of people have probably already poured their hearts (and money) into certain clothes, but you’d think they could at least make a pitiful attempt. The theme is Golden Age and you show up in a shiny looking denim mini dress? What am I forgetting here?? I thought I understood the symbolism, but apparently the nepotistic homeschooled babies understood it better than me. The theme doesn’t have to match perfectly, but when the middle-class citizens gathering outside the wealthy event are more themed than celebrity outfits, we have a problem.

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